I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
~Charlie Brown (Charles Schulz)
Hi !
I know you talk to Mom every Sunday. I'm sure you realize that she doesn't tell you (or Aunt June) the whole story about what's been happening. I've gotten more and more worried, and I just wanted to let you know some of "the rest of the story". Please don't let Mom know that I've let you know about this. You KNOW how she gets!!!
Daddy is getting much, much worse. He is almost completely incontinent now. His poor legs are so bad that very often he can't get his feet to move, or for his legs to hold him up. The confusion........well, all I can say is that it's heartbreaking. Mom spends 24/7 taking care of his physical needs. We have Ed coming in 3 hours a day, 5 days a week, but it just isn't enough.
At this point, I am really very seriously concerned about Mom and her health. The fact is, she is in very poor health. She looks awful, and is always tired. Of course she's 83, but she is absolutely exhausted from taking care of Daddy. She has had a chronic cough forever....I honestly have to say it's been years. She also is not breathing properly. She is often out of breath or breathing heavily...puffing, almost like she can't breathe. Even though I'm there with her, she still brushes it off when I try to talk to her about it. Well, she brushes off EVERYTHING I try to talk to her about. The situation is completely out of control.....even for control freaks like us!
I'm worried about so much. I worry about Daddy falling--which happens all the time--but I worry that he will fall and be hurt. Mom's answer (!!!!!) if I can't get him up is to call the local police. Unfortunately, they are so damned nice and helpful all the time that she doesn't realize that calling them isn't an answer. I also worry that SHE will fall. Or that Dad will hurt her, because his moods are incredibly unpredictable and swing on a dime. He's very weak, but he is still stronger than she is, and has been known to throw things from time to time....like his walker. The stress has taken a huge toll on her, both physically and mentally. I won't mention her inability to hear, or her worsening arthritis.
She won't listen to me. She won't listen to any of us. She is so focused on getting through each immediate crisis that she has absolutely lost sight of the forest for the trees.
The five of us talk constantly, and we all do what we can. Sadly, none of it is enough. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't sleep, and have anxiety attacks and am getting TMJ. Don't ask about my stomach. That's just ME--the other 4 are all in pretty much the same condition. I know she doesn't realize how much the stress and worry is effecting us--since we keep it from her, of course. It seems that she thinks she is the only one dealing with the situation...and yeah, Daddy is her husband, but he is our father, and it is killing us, too. I know that I'm not the only one of us that cries herself to sleep at night. We all do.
The sad fact is that Daddy is dying a slow, ugly death without dignity. Mom is trying. We are ALL trying. It's just not enough anymore.
I didn't write this to upset you, although I know it has. I wrote to ask you for help. Please, when you talk to Mom, encourage (nag, berate, whatever) her to get more help in the house. If we had someone come in from 6-10PM it would make a world of difference in everyone's quality of life. By that time of day, she's exhausted and I'm just getting home from work. Getting him from the den to the bathroom to the kitchen table is a huge undertaking that can easily take 1/2 hour. Another 1/2 hour getting him back after dinner. It takes her at least that much time to get him ready for bed every night. (and getting him up and down from bed, dressed & undressed, is killing her back) If someone came in to handle all that for her, it would make her life much easier. It would also let her have more quality time with him.
She doesn't want anyone in the house. She doesn't want to pay anyone else, either. I get it. Sadly though, this is what she needs to do, and she can damn well afford to do it. Daddy worked hard his whole life to provide for us, and I know there is more than enough money for any care he needs. Sadder yet, she refuses to do it. I don't want to see either of them in a nursing home, but if either one gets hurt that's what will end up happening.
I'm sorry to have upset you. I really didn't want to burden you with this: I know you have enough on your plate. But, she DOES seem to listen to you more than she does anyone else, so maybe you can just make her see reason about hiring more help. I hope you can.
