Angels Among Us

Sit down, shut up and listen. * First things first *
Easy does it * One day at a time * Just for today * Hang In There
* Let go and let God
~Alcoholics Anonymous

I chose those quotes specifically because sometimes my intellectual arrogance gets in my way. In other words, I can be a big, fat, know-it-all. I have found that when it comes to Daddy's disease, I know next to nothing.

I spend a lot of time at the nursing home. I was resistant to him going at first, but now I see that there is no other viable option. I watch things closely, having a naturally suspicious mind. I not only watch how my father is being treated, I watch to see how all the residents are cared for.

I now shut up and listen, take it easy, and try to get through one day at a time. I can do this because of the wonderful people who work at the nursing home. They are, without fail, kind and gentle souls who honestly love their patients. The are tender and kind with the patients, friendly and helpful with the families.

I could not do what they do. I can hardly bear to see what they deal with some days. But I swear, if I had to pick the people to watch over my poor, sick old father, it would be the men and women at the nursing home. They are, without exception, angels on earth.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel is a Train

Patience. A minor form of despair

disguised as a virtue. ~Ambrose Bierce

I can not go on any longer.

I am grown woman and have had a lifetime of experiences, both good and bad. I have always coped, albeit sometimes better than others.

I am not coping now.

Alzheimer's Disease isn't just killing Daddy. It's killing our family. It's killing me.

Daddy is in the end stages of the disease now. He is incontinent. He has lost most of his verbal skills: he often speaks gibberish, and frequently has difficulty understand what he hears. He sleeps most of the day, but is frequently awake at night, confused and frightened. Worst of all, his mood swings are out of control and he has become combative and violent.

This past week was a horror. On Tuesday night, after midnight, he got up out of bed and ended up falling in the kitchen. He started yelling, and Mom & I found him laying in a pool of blood. I couldn't get him up. Mother's solution was to (once again) call the non-emergency police line. The responding officer couldn't lift him either. Over Mom's protests, Dad was taken to the ER to be checked out. He wasn't seriously injured, and the cuts on his arm and hand didn't even need stitches.

The rest of the week was a nightmare of morning aggression. It's difficult to describe to anyone who hasn't seen it, but his moods shift on a dime, and never for the better. When the aide tries to get him to bathe, he literally freaks out, screaming and yelling (though generally not words; more like snarling and growling). This week he hit the aide, tried to hit Mom, and yesterday he spit at the aide. In between these high spots, he was nasty with me every morning.

Here is the issue. Well, maybe part of the issue. A BIG part. Maybe. Whatever.

Mother has become so mired in the immediacy of each crisis as it occurs that she has lost sight of the larger picture. She believes she is doing the best thing for Daddy all the time. News flash: she ain't.

She didn't want him to go to the hospital the other night because she didn't want all the emergency vehicles coming up to the house. What would the neighbors think? (hellooooooooo...........there's a sick, elderly man needing help?) She refused to go to the hospital with him, and wouldn't let me go, either. This horrified me. All I could think of was him being frightened and alone, or becoming aggressive and them needing to tranquilize him. the best she would permit is that I drive out there at 4AM to pick him up.

The violence in him frightens me. Not for myself--he's frail old man and I am a strong, healthy woman. However, I am afraid our wonderful aide will finally reach the breaking point and quit. I won't blame him when he does, but it will be a disaster of major proportions when he does. I am afraid that he will become violent with Mom, and hurt her. Also a major disaster.

I spoke to her about having him medicated for his moods. I have spoken to pharmacists that I know and trust, and have researched this myself. I have emailed the Alzheimer's Association. There are medications that may help stabilize him. Mother finally said she spoke to the doctor (a GP) who discouraged her from trying any medication, telling her that they will increase his risk of death. This is not necessarily the case. There are more than a few drugs available, and careful monitoring would certainly be in order. However, Mother again is doing her ostrich impression. Does she think this is going to get better???!!! She also has unwavering faith in this doctor, who is not a specialist and sees Daddy only twice a year. God knows Mother won't tell him the whole truth. So, Daddy won't get medication that may help. He won't have even a chance of trying something that may ease the problem.

And so I will go on being unable to sleep and having violent headaches and earaches from clenching my jaw, while feeling my stomach burn a hole in itself...all from stress. I will scream only inside my head, and try to maintain a calm exterior to the world. I will do this for as long as I can, but I know I can't do it much longer. I am on the edge of the cliff, looking down--and not hating the view.