Almost Three years

In just 5 more days we will see the 3rd anniversary of Daddy's death. I have come far in that time. The pain is no longer so raw and vicious. I miss him still, and I imagine that feeling will never go away.

My life has changed, as life does. I have moved from my home state back to my adopted state, and here I will stay. I may visit from time to time, but this is my home now. I have my true love, and have made a good life here.

I have made a new friend, and it is she who has prompted me to come back to this blog. She is an amazing and delightful woman who lives in Spain, and we have become friends through Facebook.  I feel a strong connection to her, as we are in many ways kindred spirits. Her mother-in-law is now suffering the horrors of Alzheimer's Disease. Please pray for her, and for her loving family, that they have the strength to endure. 

Mourning

The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul

arises from the feeling that there is in every individual

something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone,

and is, therefore,

absolutely and irretrievably lost.

~Arthur Schopenhauer

Grief and mourning are two different things. Grief is the immediate emotional reaction to the death of a loved one; mourning is the continuing pain that goes on far longer.

I have passed through the grief part, and now I mourn. I mourn every day for my father. I mourn for the wonderful Daddy that I have lost. I lost him first to Alzheimer's, and now I have lost him to death. How much loss can a person carry? I know that this is too much for me. I would give my own life to be able to see him one more time, to tell him once more how much I love him. The emptiness that his death has left in my heart and in my life is a black hole of pain.

We have endured Easter and survived his 89th birthday without him. Mom made it through their 64th wedding anniversary. Now we have to face Father's Day next Sunday, and my soul is bleeding out already.

Updated Facts & Figures

With Alzheimer’s, it is not just those with

the disease who suffer. It’s also their

caregivers.

• In 2010, 14.9 million family and friends provided

17 billion hours of unpaid care to those with

Alzheimer’s and other dementias.

• The economic value of the unpaid care provided to

those with Alzheimer’s and other dementias

totaled $202.6 billion in 2010.

• More than 60 percent of Alzheimer’s and dementia

caregivers rate the emotional stress of caregiving

as high or very high; one-third report symptoms of

depression.

Alzheimer’s is not just memory loss.

Alzheimer’s kills.

• Alzheimer’s disease is the 6th leading cause of

death in the United States and the 5th leading

cause of death for those aged 65 and older.

• Alzheimer’s is the only cause of death among the

top 10 in America without a way to prevent, cure,

or even slow its progression.

• Deaths from Alzheimer’s increased 66 percent

between 2000 and 2008, while deaths from other

major diseases, including the number one cause

of death (heart disease), decreased.

**Alzheimer's Association, 2011

Gone

Daddy died at 9:25 last night.

Updated Facts & Figures

This article, from USA Today, is a wealth of knowledge. It is also terrifying, shocking, and depressing. Sadly, I also found it unsurprising.

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/health/medical/alzheimers/2011-03-15-alznumbers15_ST_N.htm

Walter's Willie

Wee Willie Winkie rins through the toon,

Up stairs an' doon stairs in his nicht-gown,

Tirlin' at the window, crying at the lock

~William Miller

There is a resident at Daddy's nursing home named Walter. Walter is a very little old man, and looks astonishingly like the man from "Monopoly". He spends most of his time curled up quietly in his wheelchair, bothering no one.

That is, until one day while I was visiting Daddy I heard Walter muttering to himself. I happened to glance over, and Walter was sitting there with his pants completely down! I damn near died. Thankfully the nurse saw him, came over and yanked his pants back up, admonishing him NOT to do do it again. Well, she had no sooner turned her back than YANK! Walter had his pants down. She came back over and YANK! pulled them back up again. Once again, she turned away and YANK! Walter's pants were around his ankles. YANK! The nurse pulls them up. YANK! Walter pulls them down.

This went on for fully 15 minutes, until the nurse finally moved poor Walter out of the sitting room and into his own room, where presumably he could be happily naked. I was greatly relieved, to say the least. Any more of Walter's willie peeping out at me and I think I may have gone blind.

Apparently this is Walter's "thing" (no pun intended) because others in the family have been treated to the same vision as me. It's darkly funny, of course, but imagine how the poor man would feel if he were aware of what he was doing. Unless he used to be a flasher..........

Suggested Reading

"I don't understand a word I'm thinking"
~Frances Nora O'Connor, Ph.D.

I have recently finished a book that I think would interest anyone who is reading this blog. It is titled "Still Alice" and is written by Lisa Genova. It is a novel that tells the story of a 50 year old female Harvard professor who is diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease. It is beautiful, lyrical, heartwarming, and ultimately hopeful and inspirational. I can not recommend it highly enough.