Going "Home"

“Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.”
Oliver Wendell Holmes

I have been away from Daddy for 5 1/2 months, ever since I moved 1600 miles away from "home". I came to this place in July; it is now December. Tomorrow I am getting on a plane to go back "home" for Christmas. I use the quotation marks intentionally.....while I am truly HOME here, in this beautiful, magical place I have chosen, my family still considers my home to be where they are. Sigh.

So why am I so conflicted about this trip? Why am I sitting here, 12 hours before my flight, dreading the fact that I am leaving? Part, I know, is that I am happy here, and productive, and free to be the me I have always been meant to be. A larger part, though, is having to see Daddy. And Mom.

Daddy's illness has always caused me emotional and mental pain. That pain escalated over the past winter, until by spring I was almost insane with it. Tonight, I feel the pain as a physical manifestation -- my stomach aches, and I have a real pain right in the area of my heart.

I know, intellectually, that Alzheimer's is a progressively degenerative disease. I've certainly seen first-hand how he has gotten worse and worse over time. I think I am sick now because I am afraid to see how the illness has ravaged him in the months since I've been gone.

I know his memory is worse, and I know he is now fairly incontinent. I am sure he is more frail, I am sure he is less verbal. These things I am fairly sure I can cope with. I can probably even cope with Mom's negativity and criticism. I will only be there for a few days, after all, and I am a a grown woman.

If I am honest, I must admit that what is knocking me out right now is the possibility that Daddy may not recognize me. The thought terrifies me. Even though I spent so much quality time with him last winter and spring, and said my goodbyes to him in my mind, I know my heart will break if I get there and he doesn't know who I am.

Life is hard.